ballot initiative 300: that would be illogical

So I was minding my own business last night, taking a quick peek at the Twitter feed, when the following post popped up on my screen from @absolutspacegrl:

Denver voters to decide whether their tax dollars should be spent on creating an "extraterrestrial affairs commission"
http://is.gd/gjc7A

There must be some misunderstanding, I thought. People don't "vote" on "forming extraterrestrial commissions" any more than they "vote" to "have municipal garbage collectors dump trash on the steps of city hall." I clicked the link. What I found was, as my Twitter pal Luke later put it, a gift that keeps on giving.

To be sure, I do realize it's that time of year...the time of year when ghouls and goblins come out attacking everyone and we all pretend like it's normal. I'm talking, of course, about midterm elections. But I was still a little taken aback to confirm that indeed, the great city of Denver has somehow managed to attach to the very bottom of their ballots a small eensy weensy measure on the formation of a coalition to investigate UFOs and other instances of extraterrestrial beings here on Earth. It is real, folks. It is called Initiative 300, and it has a music video, "Pink UFO."


Just so you know, aside from being the official music video of Initiative 300, this production—which stars (alleged) hip hop musicians TIME and Damon Jevon—was created to raise awareness about the fact that there's a cure for breast cancer floating about the heavens somewhere, and that the ETs have so nicely offered to give it to us, but the U.S. government won't let us take it from them. You. Can. Not. Make. This. Stuff. Up. (Of course I now have to decide whether to add this to my pink post; I should probably refrain.)

A quick glance at the website for Initiative 300 gives away the madness. I must admit it was heartening to find out that Elvis Presley and Michael Jackson were both alien fans before they died, and that Ronald Reagan was followed by a UFO once, but he didn't have the cojones to report it. But it got better. Luke alerted me to an article pointing out that in 2014, a group of representatives from eight civilizations from various nearby stars and constellations will be dropping in on the United Nations general assembly for a little chat with us. Do they get diplomat parking privileges with that? I can only imagine the rubbernecking along First Avenue when those guys fly into town. Or maybe they can beam themselves in? Perhaps JJ Abrams can clue us in on that one.

So clearly, some folks in Colorado have been watching a few too many Balloon Boy YouTube reruns, I thought to myself. Hopefully Denverites will see right through this and vote a resounding 'over my dead body.' But then...then I found out that the organizers of Initiative 300 are already targeting New York for a similar ballot proposition! And now it gets personal. So all I will say is this: If my posse of Flying Spaghetti Monster-fearing droogs and I have to raise some hell and kick some snooty New York ass on account of this unscientific horseshit, then by golly, it will be done. We will not be voting on the aliens, thank you very much!! And to those of you in Denver next week: If you know what's good for you, VOTE NO ON 300. &infin

shop til you drop

I was dismayed to hear of the trampling death of a Wal-Mart employee on Long Island yesterday. He apparently got in the way of some overzealous shoppers and saw his life end for the sake of cheap electronics. News reports today say that officials are scouring security tape and looking for the perpetrators—the shoppers who physically ran him over. But really, they should go after Wal-Mart for not providing a safe, secure shopping environment.

Wal-Mart is well known for not giving a crap about its customers—nor its employees. Despite the feel-good rah rah cheer their employees do every day, Wal-Mart is one of the worst companies around as far as giving its workers fair benefits and fair wages. And the chain is notorious for being a dangerous place to shop because they refuse to offer any real parking lot security. (If you don't believe me, just google "Wal-Mart parking lot deaths"...or check out the documentary Wal-Mart: The High Cost of Low Price.)

That there are often mobs of people outside chain stores on Black Friday is nothing new. And with the current economic crisis playing right into Wal-Mart's business strategy, the company should have anticipated the masses and beefed up security accordingly. In particular, they should have provided structure—lines, crowd organizers—to the throngs of shoppers that were accumulating outside. Similar security planning is provided all the time: waiting for concert tickets, lining up for the first viewing of a new blockbuster movie, etc. When I went to see The Dark Night earlier this year on its first full day, the hullabaloo was pretty intense...it was the busiest I've ever seen a movie theater. And yet the theater had impeccable crowd control, and no one ever felt unsafe.

It'll be interesting to see if the family of the deceased decides to sue Wal-Mart. I'm no lawyer, but for my money, that's where the fault lies. Of course, if the family does so, it will be hit by the might of the Wal-Mart legal team, which would promise a nasty fight. Regardless, I'm just wondering how long it'll be before this becomes a Law & Order episode. I give it six months. ∞

Update: The family indeed took took Wal-mart to court, but the big-box giant settled with the local DA, which allowed them to avoid criminal charges.